The lust that dare not speak its name

Such is the stigma associated with the subject of today’s blog that nobody spoke of it, nobody dared utter a word about it to another soul until the final surviving human in the Universe, lay on his bunk, marooned and drifting hopelessly in deep space.

Alone, three million years in the future he finally had the freedom to speak without fear of judgement. When he tentatively broached the subject with his feline travelling companion, we all knew exactly what he meant, we had all had those same thoughts, those same stirrings and breathed a collective sigh of relief at the affirmation that yes, yes indeed, Wilma Flintstone was sexy.

And now due to his bravery the taboo has been shattered and we can all openly speak out, discuss and celebrate the cartoon characters that given half a chance we would definitely sleep with.

My Top 5

5. Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

C'mon. You would.
C’mon. You know you would.

An easy choice. The go to sexy female cartoon character. The curves, the flame red hair, the voice (both singing (Amy Irving) and speaking (Kathleen Turner)), the whole package. Everybody loves a femme fatale and Jessica oozes sex appeal.

There is a chance as this video shows that she might pile on the pounds in later life. But let’s not be fussy, that’s just a bonus if you’re a feeder.

Plus, let’s be honest, given her past amours we must all fancy our chances. Admittedly that means having to turn a blind eye to her penchant for bestiality but rabbits are renowned for it and after all we’ve all got a past.

4. Daphne Blake (Scooby Doo)

Aloha Daphne, aloha
Aloha Daphne, aloha

Maybe it’s the red hair again, maybe it’s the damsel in distress thing, maybe it’s the quirky dress sense, maybe it’s because she was played by Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the live action film version, I don’t know what it is except that Daphne from Scooby Doo is hot. Plus with a nickname like ‘danger prone Daphne’ she’ll no doubt be into all kinds of filthy shit. Wait. Oh, I misread that. Ok, that makes more sense. What? Oh, never mind, she’s still hot.

3. April O’Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Yes Michelangelo, those are my breasts
Yes Michelangelo, those are my breasts

Feisty TV reporter for Happy Hour News. Fearless, brave and remarkably quick to accept the reality of four giant humanoid mutated turtles living in the sewers below New York. Being trained in martial arts by a Japanese homeless refugee. Who is now a rat*.

You’d better treat her right or you could find yourself nunchucked in the back of the head.

* Splinter origin story taken from the 1987 TMNT cartoon rather than the comic books/films.

2. Lana Kane (Archer)

Redeem me!
Redeem me!

Voiced by the delectable Aisha Taylor. Sassy, funny and, as the picture shows, with a definite leaning towards the kinky. Lana Kane is a field agent for ISIS (not that ISIS) in the TV series Archer. She is what Bond girls would be if Bond girls were Bond.

She is literally the best, hottest cartoon characters to appear in the last 20 years. Plus, imagine what she could do with those strong hands of hers.

The Honourable Mentions

Before I reveal the number one cartoon character that I would like to sleep with I think it’s only fair to mention some of the other characters that were considered:

Cheetara (Thundercats)

Cheetara
Cheetara may know how to handle a pole, but I have higher morals than Jessica Rabbit when it comes to bestiality

Discarded because she’s a cat.

Elita One (Transformers)

Hurry back Optimus Prime
Hurry back Optimus Prime

Did somebody say token female Transformer? Nooooo. Elita One and her female companions only featured in 1 of the 98 episodes of the Transformers (Generation 1) cartoon in the 80s not because of the inherent sexism of the 1980s but because they were so busy fighting the Decepticons on Cybertron. No other reason. When finally introduced we see that Elita One was a former love interest of Optimus Prime and with her capture in ‘The Search for Alpha Trion’ is used by the Decepticons as the perfect bait to lure him to Cybertron.

Despite nearly sacrificing her life to save him it seems that Optimus’s feelings have cooled over the past 4 million years and so despite the revelation that his former love interest is still alive after all this time, at the end of the episode he seems pretty desperate to get back to Earth. For that thing. You know, what he was doing before. Got a nagging doubt he left the gas on. See you later?

However, if you’re not as picky as Optimus Prime and you like your robots breathy and with a penchant for pink, or even just need a date with a ride, Elita One may be the errrr one.

Penny Gadget (Inspector Gadget)

Don't look like that Penny, that's not what I meant
Don’t look like that Penny, that’s not what I meant

No. No wait. No, you’re the sick one. Jeez, I didn’t mean as she was in 1986. I mean now. She was 10 back then so she’ll be a smoking hot independent woman in her late thirties now. Plus she has a dog who understands every word she says and is a master of disguise. Imagine how cool that would be to have Brain hanging around the place thwarting M.A.D. agents whenever they step out of line…

Wait. 1986 to 2014 equals 28 years. x 7 = 196 dog years… Nooooooooooooooooo! Why God dammit [Beats fist against desk] Why!??? [Sobs uncontrollably]

Sheila the thief (Dungeons and Dragons)

Do you mind if I borrow your cloak for a minute? Diana's just gone for a shower
Do you mind if I borrow your cloak for a minute Sheila? Diana’s just gone for a shower

Hot but omitted mainly due to the fact that if you dated Sheila, then her annoying younger brother Bobby would be hanging around and if Bobby was there invariably so would Uni and then you’d be banging her to the distant background bleating of “Baaaaahbby” followed by the answering cry of “Uni!!”. Off putting.

Vanessa Warfield (M.A.S.K.)

"Do I have to wear this costume all the time Miles? There's not a lot of room to breathe" "Look, I spent a lot of money so we all look nice"
“Do I have to wear this costume all the time Miles? There’s not a lot of room to breathe”
“Look, I spent a lot of money so we all look nice”

Another husky voiced femme fatale. Vanessa was a hard nosed bitch who had a liking for skin tight leather and a mask that shot an electric whip… I think that’s the problem with children’s cartoons today, you just don’t get enough dominatrixes. It’s discriminatory.

And finally here she is… 

Numero Uno

1. Wilma Flintstone (The Flintstones)

Wilma

Cat was right, in all probability Willma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived. From the moment her and Fred became the first couple shown in bed together on prime time television in the U.S. we knew this lady had something. She’s faithful, she’s funny, plus she makes a mean dinosaur egg omelette.

She even looks hot when she’s angry
She even looks hot when she’s angry

Ah, who am I kidding? She’ll never leave Fred and I know it.

I hope you realise that this is a personal list. It’s based on my own preferences and is heavily influenced by the era in which I grew up and the shows that I watched. I’m sure there are what some of you consider to be glaring omissions and you may even have read some of the names and wondered who they were. This is my list, my preferences, my favourites. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, if you’ve read the list, and you disagree with it, then you can just go f*ck yourself!

Let’s face it, if I’ve written it and you’ve read it, the chances are that’s what we’ll both be doing tonight anyway.

Welcome

Hello

You’re here. Good. Well then, here’s what you should know. Late last year I took a sabbatical from work and went travelling. I started a blog at www.thereandhopefullybackagain.com to record my travels. It was a good way to keep people back home updated with my whereabouts and I hoped it would serve as a good aide-mémoire for me in the future. 

However, the more I travelled the less frequent the blog posts became until they stopped completely at the point that I wrote I was boarding a train in India.  No further posts. For months.

I have to admit to being slightly annoyed that nobody sent out a search party or even bothered to enquire about my safety and wellbeing. [narrows eyes]No-one .

You’ll all be delighted to know that I survived my travels to the Far East. I plan to type up some of the notes I took and update my original blog further when I find time.

My travel experiences reaffirmed my belief that you only live once and so on my return to Europe I decided that I would serve notice at my job and try something I had always wanted to do and that is to write. It is said that everybody has a book in them and this is the time I have set aside to try and prise mine out of me.

Now, normally I wouldn’t utter a word of this to anyone. It is, after all, folly. You should never talk about writing a book, you should just do it. Mention it to everyone when you’ve finished and you’re happy with it and you want somebody to publish it. But when you’re sat staring at the wall wondering whether the voice of your novel is pitched correctly or whether you’ll have to write the whole thing again it can be tough if people keep asking you how the book is going.

This isn’t just a selfish desire to be left alone in a darkened room to get on with it without the added weight of pressure brought about by well meaning and inquisitive family and friends. No, it’s because they might not be prepared for the answer that the book is slowly ebbing away your will to live. That you’re questioning your very existence. That you’re finding any excuse not to go back to it. That you’re getting an arthritic thumb from continually refreshing your Twitter newsfeed. That you’re getting an arthritic wrist from continually… That you’ve stopped washing and suspect that the next tenants will find your skeletal remains in the loft hunched over your desk, a deck of multi-coloured index cards splayed around you on the floor.

Worst of all you do not want them to know that occasionally a doubt seeps into your brain and worms its way through your neural network and for the briefest moment the thought crosses your mind that maybe, just maybe, it might have all turned out better if you’d carried on working the 9 to 5. 

So. The idea of this blog is to give me an outlet in those moments, to take a break from my project whilst still maintaining the discipline of writing. It allows me the freedom to write whatever I like. Crazy thoughts that try as I might I haven’t managed to shoe-horn into a scene somewhere and therefore wouldn’t otherwise find an outlet.

I don’t intend to use the blog as a means to vent my frustrations or to share the pain with the passing readers. Nor is it intended to become some sort of guide for other people who also want to write a book, although I may impart any valuable lessons I learn along the way.

I hope instead that it just becomes a random collection of ramblings that I enjoy writing and that make some people laugh.